catching up...

Everyday I have a thought about something that I want to post here. Some theory I have, or observation I've made...
and then I finally make it to my computer and all my desire and motivation to write is gone.
so, to make up for lost time, here are snippets of all the things I've wanted to write about lately. None of them are supposed to be related...


it is extremely windy this evening. and last night I had the urge to walk home in the freezing rain (a gracious ride from my father kept that urge at bay)

study table etiquette at the library is like urinal etiquette in a men's bathroom - except during finals week when you just hope you can find one open

I've been noticing lately that the phrase "we are our parents" is true. I'd like to think I'm a pleasant blend of the two.

I think God rewards us for faithfulness, and I also believe that our blessings are not just for ourselves, or our own work. A blessing given to me may be so that I can pass other blessings to others. in other words, I'm not ashamed of what I've been given, and I hope to be a good steward of it all.

I have amazing sisters, and I've realized that I really love being home. even when the fighting is there just as much as it used to be, it's pleasant and familiar in a way.

also on family, I never realized to what great extent we don't put a show on for our immediate family - and to what extent we DO for everyone else. everyone is an actor in their own life

I don't want to drink until I'm 21. I've always had somewhat of this mentality, because of my fathers morals really. But when the opportunities increased, I realized that I didn't have the will power. Then someone other than my father, someone I had a lot of respect for, said they waited - and wanted me to wait. Drinking isn't a big deal, but I want to be able to say I waited till I was legal. I've had a small drink here and there in the past, but not anymore. I have 6 months. hell, if I can wait this one out with all the opportunities present, maybe I can be confident on waiting for sex too! (mostly meant in pun)

I have a grudge problem. enough said

I don't think men realize it, and I don't think most women want to admit it, but women think about sex, too. and sometimes, a lot! we lust, we have fantasies, and when men flaunt their bodies in front of us it drives us crazy! no one can be singled out for blame, though. some girls (a lot of girls) get a high out of making a guy lust a little. it's a sin, don't cause your brother to fall, but like all sins it is desirable.

on that note: the church doesn't know how to talk about sex - and by this I don't just mean the building and the staff that go along with it, I mean the people that make up the body of Christ

I play games with myself to test my will-power. Over the past year I've been improving significantly. I'm proud of myself.

I have a crush... I admit it. I'm allowed. but that's all it is and nothing more

should the focus on the environment be on micro issues or macro issues. I say macro. I mean, of course both - but definitely more macro.

that's all for now...

cheers

Cats - a new perspective

I have never been a cat person

Cats are unpredictable, sneaky, not loving, and just plain mean.
Last night, however, I had to face my prejudices head on.

I was staying overnight at the home of some friends from church, though they were not home themselves.
I slept in the younger girls' room, which also happens to be the room that the cat likes to hang out in.
When a cat gets near me I get really nervous. I don't know what to do, how to pet it, and I get really scared that it's going to lash out and scratch me if I make any wrong move. It was late, however, and it was nuzzling me as I sat up in bed (I was still too nervous at this time to lie down). Slowly, I began to trust that the cat has no intentions of hurting me - she just kept rubbing her face and head against me and arching her back to let me stroke her. eventually I did lie down and she left to go stalk the house. In the middle of the night, I heard her wining at the door (I had shut it) so I got up to let her in. She followed me back to bed and hopped up - but this time I wasn't nervous of how she would react to my actions. It was dark and I couldn't see her, but she always put her head directly into my hand. I trusted her to accept my company, and she trusted me to give it.


This could very well just be one nice cat and all the rest I meet may be as mean as I've always imagined them to be. But I think now I will approach cats differently and at least give them a chance. After all, a cat seems to be less work to take care off - maybe having a cat would actually be quite enjoyable.

this would probably be the appropriate time to turn this into a metaphor for other prejudices... but I figure you all can fill in the blanks yourself.

dwellings of late

Jesus is not really who I thought he was... and I was so sure I was on the right track

I'm convinced that environmental action on a large scale is more important than on a small scale... but does that mean we can disregard it on a small scale?

what is more important.. doing or being. I want to say being - but how can anything good get done without also doing?

designating responsibility to others is hard



I don't know what to do with my life and it's driving me absolutely bonkers - because since I don't know what i want to do with my life, I can't choose my courses for next semester

Schoolness

On Campus...

classes start tomorrow

recruiting for clubs tonight

get people excited about being GREEN


and so it begins...

stresssucks

I'm stressed

that's the gist of it.

second guessing

I've done a lot of that this summer.
Re-thinking my morals, my standards, even my desires.

Why do I condemn weed and condone cigars - before it had to do with the law. But if you take it down from a legal level and put it on a moral level, who is to say that the law is right? Weed is just as bad as tobacco or alcohol (or even less so) - but alcohol and tobacco are associated with the white upper class and weed generally isn't - therefore tobacco and alcohol are legal and weed is not because it best suits the parties in power. So, should my decision to smoke or not to smoke be based on a legal system that's one-sided? I like to enjoy a cigar every once and a while (since having my first about a year and a half ago with my MY teammates) but I have never given in to weed. Unfortunately I can't even convince myself that I have good reason not to because the best one I have (that it's just not good for you) would mean no smoking cigars either.

Anyhow, I don't have a particularly strong desire to smoke weed - I just don't like that I can't even prove to myself that I should or shouldn't.

It's HOT

Incase I was starting to forget that it was summer, God decided to send some hot and humid weather this way - lovely.

politics

I hate work politics. I hate having to choose between responsibility and people I care about.

I just want to be back at school and leave all this behind.

one month.

Patience

To be molded

To have control

wisdom

perspective

right of life

does everyone really have a right to the necessities of life? food, shelter, water, healthcare, education...
should these be a given?

before today I would have always said YES!!! OF COURSE!!!

but why? why should any of us have a right to anything?

taking a break from the world

In a few hours i will be heading up to the lovely poconos of pennsylvania. I plan to bring up a pile of books and escape from the world for a few days.

The book list....

The final book to the Hitchiker's Guide to the Galazy series: Mostly Harmless
Perdido Street Station - first of a series by China Mieville
The People's History of the United States - It's taking me a loooong time to get through this one.
My Social Problems text book (escape from the world, yes, but not from homework :)
and finally my devotional book and my Bible

veggies... mmmm

apparently I made the decision earlier this afternoon to become a vegetarian.

well, what's done is done!

it takes time

relaxing with an old friend - I'd say it's one of the best ways to spend a summer evening.

Serving...

...half the dining room. Lord Help Me.

s

what is it that I seek - what is it I 'fight' for?

Respect and Admiration.


is this really all I care about?

summer thunder

everyone always has something to say about rain.

teenager no more

I'm not sure what this means....

ethics....

I've recently found myself in a situation of compromised morals and twisted ethics.
at what level do you confront dishonesty and at what level do you just protect yourself.

I want to do something, but at the same time I feel helpless because of the possible consequences.

finally

well, i finally started a new job this weekend. nothing too special, just busing at a small local fancy restaurant. I think i'm going to like being there for the summer.
My internship starts in about a week and a half.

my time as a teenager is slowly coming to an end.

letting him do what he does best...

I've been home for about 30hrs now. In that 30hrs I have learned 1.5 chapters of statistics, made a chocolate éclair dessert thingy, watched brothers Grimm, and spent hours searching for a summer job.
It's that last one that's had me stressed - especially on finding out today that the place I'm interning at doesn't want me till June, and it is possible they may not want me at all.
Great. I'm lazy, I’m picky, and I’m stressed.

As I was walking home from the library today, it dawned on me - have I prayed about this today? or even in the past week? Have I brought any of my worries to the feet of Christ and laid them down?
NO! How is it that I forget so easily that my life is in his hands? But even in remembering I don't want to be caught up in "everything is going to work out". I mean, it will come to some end, but that doesn't mean I sit back and watch, does it?
Where is that middle ground between over anxious and negligence?

Reflections: Yahweh Tsebaoth

"And Elisha prayed, "O LORD, open his eyes so he may see." Then the LORD opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha." 2 Kings 6:17

Can you imagine what it would have been like to be in the servant's place? or even Elisha's place?
i'm just filled with awe and wonder thinking about chariots of fire! (ok, i know, awe and wonder - cheesy cliche christian jargon... but common - Chariots of FIRE!!)


on another note... i fly home tommorrow to begin the longest stay at home since i left for mission year. the longest i've been home since then is 2 weeks.... i'll be home for 3 months.
i think it'll be good - interesting in the least

Rummage Sale!

And the chaos begins…


For any of you Chicagoans…

Rummage Sale @ North Park University
Foster and Kimball (parking lot behind the Shell on Kimball).
Clothes
Furniture
Food (cans and such)
Random stuff

We’ll also be grilling hotdogs and hamburgers so come for lunch!

hot-sticky-stress-ness

My roommate moved out today, so I have the room all to myself.
I was sitting here studying and suddenly became aware of how hot it is.
I looked around the room and for the first time it occured to me that no roommate means no fan.

shoot

jeans

It has come to my attention that my jeans are quickly disintegrating.

Holes are getting larger and revealing more and more of the pasty paleness beneath,
denim is getting thinner which allows the holes to get larger and reveal more of the pasty paleness beneath,
and I hate jean shopping, let alone have the money to go jean shopping

As long as they last 2 more weeks I'll be happy.

Finals week

What I Have to do: Study for Spanish and Pack

All I Want to Do: Finish reading C.S. Lewis' That Hideous Strength

I think Lewis might win tonight...

what will it take for me to finally have rule over my damn emotions,
without becoming emotionless

ups and downs

had a lovely conversation with my pops today that made all the other shit that happened this morning not matter.

My stress flew out the window for a little while...
it seems to be on its way back... but I enjoyed the few hours of vacation.

EL SOL

Today was beautiful.
It's amazing how a little bit of warmth after a long winter can make you forget about all your stresses and cause you to lay outside not doing a thing except enjoy good company.

Good company...
what is it about some people that draws you to them like a fly to a light
They have a certain energy that is comfortable and inviting and you just want to be around them whenever you can.
I'm not talking about a personal attraction, but just a general joy of being around a person. Some people just have it - some people are that energy.

And then there are people that you personally enjoy being around. Not everyone sees what you see in this person. Maybe they are a good friend, maybe they are a lover, either way, you have seen the hidden energy in that person and learned how to enjoy it on your own.
Is this relationship better than the first?
Is one more special than the other?
I don't know if that is even a fair question to ask.

All I know is that there are certain people in my life that I get a thrill out of being with. Certain friends that I have such an important or unique attachment to that being with them is different than being with anyone else. It's funny, though, because many of these people don't hold as important a position in my life as they used to, and there are many very important people in my life now that don't give me that thrill. This doesn't lessen my love for them in any way - conversing with them is just different, more subdued and pleasant even. More regular and soothing perhaps.

So which are better? neither I suppose. both are necessary, both have places in my life. Both have purposes. Both are good.

sick of society, sick of war

If you haven't already, go see a showing of the Invisible Children. and go to www.invisiblechildren.com

How I felt during and after the showing

physically sick
confused
distraught
angry
helpless
hardened

empty

prayerful
engrossed in conversation - not with people, but with God

Fitting

"Despair is the ultimate development of a pride so great and so stiff-necked that it selects the absolute misery of damnation rather than accept happiness from the hands of God and thereby acknowledge that he is above us and that we are not capable of fulfilling our destiny ourselves."

Thomas Merton

wide open windows

I'm sitting in my parent's new kitchen staring out the 8 windows in front of me.
There aren't any shades - the kitchen isn't finished yet.
It is dark outside, and the lights are on in here, so I can't see a thing - but I know that anyone passing by can see me.

Everything we do here is on show to the neighborhood.
Maybe this is how we should be anyway. Not hiding from the public, not covering up what we consider to be shortcomings or embarrassments. Instead, letting the world see who we are, no shades, no blinds, all the lights on.

Then again - maybe there are parts of our life that we should keep covered up. Bad decisions we have made, choices we regret - or maybe even worse - things we don't regret but think we should. Sins we have taken part in, knowing it was wrong, but enjoying it anyhow. These memories can be good, but do we hide them knowing that they were wrong and not wanting others to do the same. to steep to our level?

But in the end, God sees all and knows all - so what does it matter what man sees or knows. God knows that we sin, and that we take pleasure in sin, and that we will do it again and again. And yet, there is still hope -

What makes a great man, one who sins and lets the world know that he sins?
Or one who sins, but covers himself in shadows so that he seems sinless and good

I suppose in the meantime I will keep my shades pulled down halfway, giving the impression that I'm a so-called 'open book', but hiding my deeper secrets. Secrets that are made known to only a select few.

Forgotten Evil

I was oot and aboot today and so I had a lot of time to think...
I'm currently reading C.S. Lewis' PERELANDRA, the 2nd in his science fiction trilogy.
As I was reading the description of the evil spirit I got really uncomfortable.
He is truly an frightening character - problem is, he's not just a character in a book.

Keith Green did a good job of portraying this in his song "No one believes in me anymore"
here are some of the lyrics

"Oh, my job keeps getting easier, as day slips into day,
The magazines, the newspapers, print every word I say,
This world is just my spinning top, it's all like childs-play,
You know, I dream that it will never stop, but I know it's not that way,
Still my work goes on and on, always stronger than before,
I'm gonna make it dark before the dawn since no one believes in me anymore,
Well now I used to have to sneak around, but now they just open their doors,
You know, no one watches for my tricks since no one believes in me anymore,
Well I'm gaining power by the hour, they're falling by the score,
You know, it's getting very easy now since no one believes in me anymore,
No one believes in me anymore, no one believe in me anymore."

I've listened to this song since I was a kid and it always struck me as interesting. A world that is passive to evil invites evil.

I've never been very supportive of Christians who blame everything on the devil. They talk of demons and spirits, and frankly it just frightens me a bit. But maybe that's the point. The devil is scary and determined.
We can find peace and safety in the Lord, but I don't think that means denying the presence of Evil.

I remember believing I was having a face to face encounter with the devil when I was 16. I was at camp and some of the staff were claiming that demons had been making personal attacks and appearances to them. After a prayer session we all went to bed. I remember feeling a strong chill that night and imagined the devil himself standing over my bed. I didn't open my eyes, but called on the power of the Lord. I was not afraid, but I was angry at what he was doing to my friends and I tried to banish him.

I don't know the legitimacy of it all, or what really went on that summer. I just remember feeling that night the power the devil could have, and the reality of his presence, but also seeing that God's power was greater.

Not sure what to make of all this.

Great book though - Read it!

city-spurred speculations

It is silly to deprive myself of the wonders of the city because I'm too stingy to pay the $1.75 for transportation.

595

Oh subtle attack
How can I defeat thee?
You fight with weapons of pleasure
You bribe with temporary treasure
Though I try to keep you at a distance
You bribe with temporary treasure
You fight with weapons of pleasure
How can I defeat thee?
Oh subtle attack

70 degree weather...

Finding rest not in sleep but in the Peace of the Lord.

motivation...

I received an awesome compliment today.

Now I just need to live up to it...

Spreading myself

The final stretch is here - and there is so much to be done.
I've come to realize that there ARE enough hours in the day,
and a social life along with school and work and other activities IS manageable.

Exciting things are happening,
My work COUNTS
My presence is MEANINGFUL
And I am meeting so many incredible people along the way

This is what I came to college for
If I had sat back and expected it to come my way I would have been disappointed,
But I have sought out what I want, made the first move, and taken charge of my life.

And it’s getting warmer ☺

not much left

I'm not sure how much of me is left...

I'm giving it my all, though. Nothing less, nothing less.

slowly, but surely - maybe

I am learning patience and trust.
enough said.

Dancing the night away...

pretty dress
good music
good company
haven't moved like that in a long time

Reflections: Yahweh Yireh

The Lord will Provide.

I still must learn to trust this.
It won't be a once in a lifetime epiphany with tears and light bulbs.
It's a day-to-day process. I day to day decision.

I'm not so good with those

Monasticism? Emergent?

First of all... here are the "12 Marks of New Monasticism" from www.newmonasticism.org
(and from a post on www.jesuscreed.org where I first found this)

1. Relocation to the abandoned places of Empire.
2. Sharing economic resources with fellow community members and the needy.
3. Hospitality to the stranger.
4. Lament for racial divisions and pursuit of a just reconciliation.
5. Humble submission to Christ’s Body, the church.
6. Intentional formation in the way of Christ and the rule of the community.
7. Nurturing common life among members.
8. Support for celibate singles alongside monogamous marrieds and children.
9. Geographical proximity to community members.
10. Care for the plot of God’s earth given to us.
11. Peacemaking in the midst of violence and conflict resolution.
12. Commitment to a disciplined contemplative life.


My thoughts: I've been hearing a lot about the monasticism and emergent movements this year (and before that, but not by name). I couldn't tell you how they differ or how they are similar - I probably couldn't even tell you quite what they are. But all the same, the names have been coming up a lot.
Looking at these 12 points I realize that I agree with all of them. I get excited reading them because they describe how I want to live. The only thing I wasn't sure about, however, was that there was not a significant mention of spiritual growth academically. Studying the word, reading the word. It emphasized the doings of life... but it seemed like there was something else missing. a transformation of mind and heart. Maybe one of these points really does emphasize this and I'm interpreting it wrong... but oh well.

I want to find out more about these movements, but I also know that I want to stay in the church I'm in now for a least a little bit longer. Maybe these movements aren't just changing sunday mornings though. I want to get to a place where church and life aren't separate. Where one things flows into the other from family to friends to work to church etc.
But maybe that goal is too far off.
I just don't know.

Love

Surprise Notes of endearment make me feel loved.
They also have that knack for making the day much better.

complicated

why does life have to be so complicated.

why are people dying from causes that CAN BE PREVENTED

why are people who can't take care of themselves all alone.
Why the hell are people pushed out into the world to fend for themselves when they can't function. Why aren't we taking care of them!!! why aren't we caring for them and loving them!!

i don't know what to do

oh, the suspense

when? where? how?

not what I expected.
trying to prove myself? Maybe?
I hope not.

I'm running out of time!

happy bug

Today was one of the first days in a long time that I just felt really really good.
I mean, I danced through the day (mostly after work and after my nap... but still)
At any given moment it was a possibility of me breaking out into song and dance

and yet, I have no idea why!
I can think of things going on that are good and exciting - but not cause enough for me to be DAncinG!!
I have so much I need to do over the next week or two. Lots of little things and big things hanging over my head.

I only got half of the stuff done today that I had planned on doing. I got the stuff done that absolutely HAD to get done. But that's what happens with me. I get the required, no room left stuff done... and only that.

ah well, despite that, it was a good day.

too busy

I've only been back a day...
but I already feel like I haven't had enough time to process. To think. To write.
Today was completely filled... tomorow may be similar (if I actually do all the things I need to do).

I feel limited and trapped.

Anticipation

yea, title says it all.

Reflections: El Shadday

God Almighty
The ONE who makes all things possible.
Forgive me for doubting your absolute power
For doubting your willingness to help me
for doubting that you were really standing at my door, knocking for me
(and that you still are)

In my weakest hour all I need is to call to you.
You can overcome the demons I too often indulge in
You have already overcome them... I just haven't realized this, and have inflicted the continued slavery on myself.

El Shadday, El Shadday,
in this hour you are great and mighty
and I see you in your glory and power

I'm taking your hand tonight, releasing my pride
and letting you fight for me, letting you cover me
tonight I won't leave you on the cold doorstep, but welcome you in

Media Persuasion

It's amazing what a simple movie can do, how it can make you feel.
But, for the most part, life isn't like the movies.

There isn't mood music playing in the background.
Things don't always fall in to place the way you expect them to.
Things don't seem quite as romantic as they looked on the screen
(ok, there are exceptions. there are extremely romantic moments in life - I've even had one or two myself - but they aren't a given and they don't always turn out happily-ever-after)

Sex before marriage looks great on the big screen.
It seems right sometimes.
But are we just fooling ourselves - trying to convince ourselves that it's ok.
That we don't need God to have this truly magical experience.

I know what is right... most of the time.
I admit - I find myself questioning all my learned values - questioning what the church has told me all my life. searching for proof, searching for my own reasons.
And there were times that I didn't find the reasons in time... or I didn't wait to figure it out for myself and just went with the flow. But I’m learning – I think.

before, romantic films were fun. now, they hit home more often than not. little things - certain scenes - certain dynamics.
but that doesn't stop me from watching them.
I guess I have a problem really knowing what's good for me.

discipline.... never really been my thing.
maybe I need to change that.

Over Mocha and Cookies

I got to scratch under the surface of a new friend.

So much more in common than we would have imagined,
not what the other expected.

Honest words - not so hard to say so far.
but have we really gone far?

we will... whether we want to or not - and we do want to. i think

is this one of those relationships?
one of the ones that breaks the mold?
surpassing all expectation and steering its own course?

I hope so.

mommy

Yesterday I stayed in bed because of a severe sore throat.

Last night, I called my mother, knowing she couldn't do anything, but wanting to hear her all the same.
I had been freaking out, thinking about going to the ER cause I felt so awful. Mom calmed me down, though. I'm not sure what it was she said, I think it was just knowing that she willingly woke up in the middle of the night and talked with me as I cried over the phone.

I felt like such a baby, sitting there on my bed crying. I hadn't cried like that in a long time.
turns out it was strep throat. as a friend here put it "strep is a bitch".
Yea, it is.

Things worked out this morning, though.
I got to the hospital just in time to be a walk in at the family practice. The doctor saw me pretty quickly, I got my prescription, and the nurse at my school filled it for me. By 10:20am I was on antibiotics. I slept better than I had last night (when I woke up every hour and had bad dreams).

I'm still feeling lousy, but the doctor said I would feel better tomorrow. In a way I'm really excited for tomorrow. Excited for feeling better. It's a bit more bearable knowing that it will soon end.

It's funny seeing what will break me. I sometimes consider myself to be strong - that in the heat of the moment I could take anything they throw at me. And there I was, crying to my mom over a sore throat. I guess I'm not so strong. Not on my own.

Reflections: El Roi

God, you see me.
Whether I'm alone in the middle of the silent woods, or moving in the midst of a great crowd, you see me.

You see me, and you see my life. You see all that has happened, is happening, and will happen.
You see the tears that fall, and the ones I hold back.
you see the thoughts I am ashamed of.
You see through my emotional instability, and you know that I will over analyze everything
but you stick through it with me, calling me to trust you, and when I don't come immediately you still stay.

You don't forget about me
You don't lose me when I try to hide.

Why are you so faithful when I almost never am?
I don't deserve your attention.

But you are my God who sees me.

getting better

So, this weekend was full, but uplifting.
I've felt okay the last few weeks, but only okay.
But now I'm feeling about good.

Maybe it's that I've been doing my devotions every week.
Maybe it's because I've been encouraged by various people.
Maybe I'm just getting out of a slump.

Maybe I'm not so lonely anymore... just plagued by the 'singleness' demon, who can indeed be defeated.

I'm continuing to meet new people - I like meeting new people.
I like that I know that I can walk into the cafeteria alone and be sure of finding someone I know to sit with.

I like that my first two classes today were cancelled because of the cold.
And I like being able to put my big overstuffed coat to use.

I love making breakfast at church on sundays. It's the highlight of my week.
Children's church was awesome yesterday. I usually feel a little unconfident because I can never really grab the kids attention as well as I wish... but this sunday was different. I got them involved with the lesson. They behaved really well and respected me. And we just had a lot of fun.

Superbowl.... well, not as great as I would have hoped.
I failed...
just failed...
but more on that later.

reflections: Elohim

Elohim,
God, my creator.
the creative artist behind all that is beautiful,
I have wronged you.
Please forgive me for not appreciating and admiring your beautiful work.

It has never been easy for me to appreciate myself -
my body
my personality
my habits

but you, Elohim, have created me in your own image. I am your masterpiece, and instead of admiring that I have criticized your work and thus you.
Every characteristic you strategically placed for a purpose. I look just how you want me to look. My laugh sounds just how you want it to sound. My shape, my natural skills, my personality - all how you meant them to be.

Please, elohim. Forgive me for not seeing the beauty in myself. the beauty created by your very hands and from the love in your heart.

led by emotions, not by logic

I know what's good for me on a basic level

I also know what's not good for me.
And yet these are the things I desire and in the end go after - while neglecting my life's necessities.

A consistent time with God.
Yea, not really there anymore.
I've been trying.
but it's just not happening.

I'm not good at motivating myself to do things that are good for me.
But when they are for others, or for a deadline - that's different.

Maybe I've been going about this the wrong way.
Maybe devotions shouldn't be for myself - but to better myself so that God can use me for others.

it's true

unfortunately it's not enough to motivate me.

i'm pathetic really. I can't even convince myself to do 5 minutes of reading my bible a day. Did I mention that I have an accountability partner that checks up on my devotions every week?
I'm hopeless!!

If I can't be dedicated to being with you every day, then I won't be dedicated enough to do your work, Lord.
my personal relationship will determine my physical out - pouring.
Yea, maybe I'll still do the 'good works'. But I will not remember why... I will not truly know.

I don't know you anymore , Lord.
You have become a distant old friend - a pleasant memory - but I haven't been doing a good job of keeping in touch.
You send me little gifts, little notes, little reminders, all great Blessings. but I only reply with the occasional thank you card...
I don't ask how you are, I don't inquire about what you have been doing in the world lately.
and then, when i'm in trouble, I call on you. I try to use you.

Why can't I be the kind of friend to YOU that I am to my friends here.

and even though I ask these questions.
and know what would help.
I have done nothing.

pfew

physical exhaustion

it's an interesting sensation

especially when you can't even manage to get words out...
or have comprehendible thoughts....

yea

this post took me a pretty long time to type

fish and loaves

A modern day illustration of Jesus multiplying the loaves of bread and the fish to feed everyone.

Every sunday, my church provides breakfast for anyone that will come to a small testimonial service between the large services. The number of people we serve changes every week, but there is always just enough food for everyone.
It doesn't matter if we are serving 30 or 60, everyone always gets a full plate and there are always seconds.
Mind you, we start cooking before the people get there and often don't know the end number till we are ready to serve up plates. We serve the same thing every sunday, and make the same amount.

But every sunday, God is good. And he cares for everyone who comes in the morning to fill their stomachs. In fact, this is usually the only actual meal I get on Sundays.

This is one of my favorite ministries,
and it always reminds me of Jesus feeding his people with whatever was given him.
We use what we can, and we all eat our fill.



You know, If I just cooked for the breakfast ministry once, or even just every once and a while, I probably would not have been able to see this amazing blessing - this miracle in a way.
It's only because I'm there every week to see the different numbers, and the same food, and the way God provides every time.

Maybe that's a big part of ministry and seeing God's work.
Being consistent and seeing his blessings over time

fool

if only i could justify my desire to cry

it's not the end of the world

I'm not excited, God.
I thought my classes were going to be Awesome this semester!! I don't mind the work if I like the class, but I really have no motivation to try!
First semester I had such a good perspective - such an enjoyment of learning and being in college.

Lord, help to see the importance of the classes I'm in right now.
Help me to realize that these are important steps to work through - that they are where I need to be right now.

I want to do well.
I don't want to let myself down like I always do.
I did well first semester, but can I keep it up?

I always let myself down. I always lose motivation and because of it I miss out.
My grades in high school definitely could have been better... I was just lazy.
I gave up on flying
I gave up on frisbee
I gave up on work
I gave up on friends

why do I always give up

I have all these dreams. All these ideas of how to make things better, how to help someone, how to do something big!
but then I don't follow through

I never follow through.

why am I a failure, God?
Why can't I just do something right? Why can't I do anything at all?

I realize that not being aware of my gifts and talents is not being aware of your handiwork, of your creation, but It's just hard to see what traits I have that are really beneficial to the world.
Compassion - do I really have that? Sure, I can feel for people, I can cry with them, I can feel their pain. But if I can't follow through on anything, if I can't do anything for them, then what's the point?

God, I can't see my worth.
I found out today that one of my friends referred to me as the most influential person to her last semester.
She said that I always had something good to say and had good advice and that I listened to her.
I love her so much, and she has done so much for me too.
If I can accept this, and love her, and know that she loves me, then how can I still say that I don't see my worth?

maybe it's because I can always find someone who is better. smarter, more passionate, more active, more reliable, better liked by others and even more beautiful than me.

I'm always comparing myself to others.
always rating myself against them and always belittling myself.

I rely too much on the encouragement and affirmation from others.
the times I've felt best about myself were the times I was surrounded by people that showed their love to me. Camp was big on this. and when i had a significant other - well, there was affirmation all the time! To have someone choose to spend their time, money, and emotions on you and no one else? it makes you feel good.
but when their isn't someone like that... it gets a little harder.
especially when you are alone and dwelling on these silly things
like I am now

dangit

why can't i just love myself?

new ground

Lord,

I hate it when I don't feel in control.
I hate when things are in the air,
pending,
tbd,
unknown.

I hate not being able to address everything on my mind immediatly and all at once.
I hate when I can't talk through my feelings because I know they are fleeting and would cause more harm and confusion than good.

but then, there are times where I am in control where I didn't expect to be - and that's scary.
when I know I should be breaking down, crying... but i'm not.
I'm calm, reserved - in control.
and then the fear comes in losing it.
I don't want to lose my composure, so I force over-composure.

I never cried when my grandmother passed away.
I should have cried, but you blessed me with composure when i asked... and then I never let go of that.

Is this really me? Have I begun to reach a new level? a new level of emotional control?
Or am I fooling myself. have a found a perverse way to conceal my pain and now I never want to let it out.
I've gotten a taste of strength and now I never want to look weak again.

but I'm a feeler. always have been.
I hurt when I see other people hurt.
cry when others cry

but am I keeping myself from crying on my own? crying for myself?


but I don't want to lose control.



God,
i've always fallen short, because I've never fully trusted you.
I desire control because I don't know how to trust.
There are few people I trust
I've always been an open book - ready to talk about myself always. in fact, it's one of my favorite things to talk about.
yea, guilty pleasure - talking about myself.

but I don't have to trust people to do that.
my actions are what I conceal - or try to conceal
the little annoying habits I try so hard to hide
crying for myself - rather than for others
even expressing devotion and commitment

commitment.
I want it - I do.
But it's scary.

problem is, loneliness has been my nightly companion lately.
an overwhelming shadow of nothing.

that's another thing, God.
i'm not content with your presence anymore. I don't know how to be.
I've lost the vision of you as my protector, my lover, my companion.
I keep you at arms length. acknowledging your presence, but not letting you come near.

I'm afraid of you.
I think that's what it comes down to - fear. Fear of letting you have the controls. Fear of where you will take me. Fear of what I will have to do, what I will have to endure.
somewhere I know that with you I can experience a life more glorious and exciting and love-filled than I can imagine.
but i still hold back
I say no.
again and again

"No, not this time. please, just not this time"
"what? no way! you couldn't possibly be serious"
"this way is better, it must be"
"please just leave me be!"

but, even though I hold you at arms length, you stay there.
you don't turn away.
for some reason, you stick around
I don't know why...
you love me?
I don't get that.
I just don't

what the hell happened! I used to be so sure of you. I used to be 'filled'. whatever that means.
I used to be on fire
but I seem to be burnt out

i have no zest for life
no desire to deal with any of this anymore

i hate this loneliness... but i still reject your offer to comfort me.
i seem to believe that human comfort is better. that human love is more true and rewarding.
I seem to believe that the answer to all my problems would be the loving touch of a man.

but it can only end in pain. and guilt. and more loneliness.

i don't know where i'm going anymore
i don't know what to do

hmm

something new...