it's not the end of the world

I'm not excited, God.
I thought my classes were going to be Awesome this semester!! I don't mind the work if I like the class, but I really have no motivation to try!
First semester I had such a good perspective - such an enjoyment of learning and being in college.

Lord, help to see the importance of the classes I'm in right now.
Help me to realize that these are important steps to work through - that they are where I need to be right now.

I want to do well.
I don't want to let myself down like I always do.
I did well first semester, but can I keep it up?

I always let myself down. I always lose motivation and because of it I miss out.
My grades in high school definitely could have been better... I was just lazy.
I gave up on flying
I gave up on frisbee
I gave up on work
I gave up on friends

why do I always give up

I have all these dreams. All these ideas of how to make things better, how to help someone, how to do something big!
but then I don't follow through

I never follow through.

why am I a failure, God?
Why can't I just do something right? Why can't I do anything at all?

I realize that not being aware of my gifts and talents is not being aware of your handiwork, of your creation, but It's just hard to see what traits I have that are really beneficial to the world.
Compassion - do I really have that? Sure, I can feel for people, I can cry with them, I can feel their pain. But if I can't follow through on anything, if I can't do anything for them, then what's the point?

God, I can't see my worth.
I found out today that one of my friends referred to me as the most influential person to her last semester.
She said that I always had something good to say and had good advice and that I listened to her.
I love her so much, and she has done so much for me too.
If I can accept this, and love her, and know that she loves me, then how can I still say that I don't see my worth?

maybe it's because I can always find someone who is better. smarter, more passionate, more active, more reliable, better liked by others and even more beautiful than me.

I'm always comparing myself to others.
always rating myself against them and always belittling myself.

I rely too much on the encouragement and affirmation from others.
the times I've felt best about myself were the times I was surrounded by people that showed their love to me. Camp was big on this. and when i had a significant other - well, there was affirmation all the time! To have someone choose to spend their time, money, and emotions on you and no one else? it makes you feel good.
but when their isn't someone like that... it gets a little harder.
especially when you are alone and dwelling on these silly things
like I am now

dangit

why can't i just love myself?