new ground

Lord,

I hate it when I don't feel in control.
I hate when things are in the air,
pending,
tbd,
unknown.

I hate not being able to address everything on my mind immediatly and all at once.
I hate when I can't talk through my feelings because I know they are fleeting and would cause more harm and confusion than good.

but then, there are times where I am in control where I didn't expect to be - and that's scary.
when I know I should be breaking down, crying... but i'm not.
I'm calm, reserved - in control.
and then the fear comes in losing it.
I don't want to lose my composure, so I force over-composure.

I never cried when my grandmother passed away.
I should have cried, but you blessed me with composure when i asked... and then I never let go of that.

Is this really me? Have I begun to reach a new level? a new level of emotional control?
Or am I fooling myself. have a found a perverse way to conceal my pain and now I never want to let it out.
I've gotten a taste of strength and now I never want to look weak again.

but I'm a feeler. always have been.
I hurt when I see other people hurt.
cry when others cry

but am I keeping myself from crying on my own? crying for myself?


but I don't want to lose control.



God,
i've always fallen short, because I've never fully trusted you.
I desire control because I don't know how to trust.
There are few people I trust
I've always been an open book - ready to talk about myself always. in fact, it's one of my favorite things to talk about.
yea, guilty pleasure - talking about myself.

but I don't have to trust people to do that.
my actions are what I conceal - or try to conceal
the little annoying habits I try so hard to hide
crying for myself - rather than for others
even expressing devotion and commitment

commitment.
I want it - I do.
But it's scary.

problem is, loneliness has been my nightly companion lately.
an overwhelming shadow of nothing.

that's another thing, God.
i'm not content with your presence anymore. I don't know how to be.
I've lost the vision of you as my protector, my lover, my companion.
I keep you at arms length. acknowledging your presence, but not letting you come near.

I'm afraid of you.
I think that's what it comes down to - fear. Fear of letting you have the controls. Fear of where you will take me. Fear of what I will have to do, what I will have to endure.
somewhere I know that with you I can experience a life more glorious and exciting and love-filled than I can imagine.
but i still hold back
I say no.
again and again

"No, not this time. please, just not this time"
"what? no way! you couldn't possibly be serious"
"this way is better, it must be"
"please just leave me be!"

but, even though I hold you at arms length, you stay there.
you don't turn away.
for some reason, you stick around
I don't know why...
you love me?
I don't get that.
I just don't

what the hell happened! I used to be so sure of you. I used to be 'filled'. whatever that means.
I used to be on fire
but I seem to be burnt out

i have no zest for life
no desire to deal with any of this anymore

i hate this loneliness... but i still reject your offer to comfort me.
i seem to believe that human comfort is better. that human love is more true and rewarding.
I seem to believe that the answer to all my problems would be the loving touch of a man.

but it can only end in pain. and guilt. and more loneliness.

i don't know where i'm going anymore
i don't know what to do