Elohim,
God, my creator.
the creative artist behind all that is beautiful,
I have wronged you.
Please forgive me for not appreciating and admiring your beautiful work.
It has never been easy for me to appreciate myself -
my body
my personality
my habits
but you, Elohim, have created me in your own image. I am your masterpiece, and instead of admiring that I have criticized your work and thus you.
Every characteristic you strategically placed for a purpose. I look just how you want me to look. My laugh sounds just how you want it to sound. My shape, my natural skills, my personality - all how you meant them to be.
Please, elohim. Forgive me for not seeing the beauty in myself. the beauty created by your very hands and from the love in your heart.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
led by emotions, not by logic
I know what's good for me on a basic level
I also know what's not good for me.
And yet these are the things I desire and in the end go after - while neglecting my life's necessities.
A consistent time with God.
Yea, not really there anymore.
I've been trying.
but it's just not happening.
I'm not good at motivating myself to do things that are good for me.
But when they are for others, or for a deadline - that's different.
Maybe I've been going about this the wrong way.
Maybe devotions shouldn't be for myself - but to better myself so that God can use me for others.
it's true
unfortunately it's not enough to motivate me.
i'm pathetic really. I can't even convince myself to do 5 minutes of reading my bible a day. Did I mention that I have an accountability partner that checks up on my devotions every week?
I'm hopeless!!
If I can't be dedicated to being with you every day, then I won't be dedicated enough to do your work, Lord.
my personal relationship will determine my physical out - pouring.
Yea, maybe I'll still do the 'good works'. But I will not remember why... I will not truly know.
I don't know you anymore , Lord.
You have become a distant old friend - a pleasant memory - but I haven't been doing a good job of keeping in touch.
You send me little gifts, little notes, little reminders, all great Blessings. but I only reply with the occasional thank you card...
I don't ask how you are, I don't inquire about what you have been doing in the world lately.
and then, when i'm in trouble, I call on you. I try to use you.
Why can't I be the kind of friend to YOU that I am to my friends here.
and even though I ask these questions.
and know what would help.
I have done nothing.
I also know what's not good for me.
And yet these are the things I desire and in the end go after - while neglecting my life's necessities.
A consistent time with God.
Yea, not really there anymore.
I've been trying.
but it's just not happening.
I'm not good at motivating myself to do things that are good for me.
But when they are for others, or for a deadline - that's different.
Maybe I've been going about this the wrong way.
Maybe devotions shouldn't be for myself - but to better myself so that God can use me for others.
it's true
unfortunately it's not enough to motivate me.
i'm pathetic really. I can't even convince myself to do 5 minutes of reading my bible a day. Did I mention that I have an accountability partner that checks up on my devotions every week?
I'm hopeless!!
If I can't be dedicated to being with you every day, then I won't be dedicated enough to do your work, Lord.
my personal relationship will determine my physical out - pouring.
Yea, maybe I'll still do the 'good works'. But I will not remember why... I will not truly know.
I don't know you anymore , Lord.
You have become a distant old friend - a pleasant memory - but I haven't been doing a good job of keeping in touch.
You send me little gifts, little notes, little reminders, all great Blessings. but I only reply with the occasional thank you card...
I don't ask how you are, I don't inquire about what you have been doing in the world lately.
and then, when i'm in trouble, I call on you. I try to use you.
Why can't I be the kind of friend to YOU that I am to my friends here.
and even though I ask these questions.
and know what would help.
I have done nothing.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
pfew
physical exhaustion
it's an interesting sensation
especially when you can't even manage to get words out...
or have comprehendible thoughts....
yea
this post took me a pretty long time to type
it's an interesting sensation
especially when you can't even manage to get words out...
or have comprehendible thoughts....
yea
this post took me a pretty long time to type
fish and loaves
A modern day illustration of Jesus multiplying the loaves of bread and the fish to feed everyone.
Every sunday, my church provides breakfast for anyone that will come to a small testimonial service between the large services. The number of people we serve changes every week, but there is always just enough food for everyone.
It doesn't matter if we are serving 30 or 60, everyone always gets a full plate and there are always seconds.
Mind you, we start cooking before the people get there and often don't know the end number till we are ready to serve up plates. We serve the same thing every sunday, and make the same amount.
But every sunday, God is good. And he cares for everyone who comes in the morning to fill their stomachs. In fact, this is usually the only actual meal I get on Sundays.
This is one of my favorite ministries,
and it always reminds me of Jesus feeding his people with whatever was given him.
We use what we can, and we all eat our fill.
You know, If I just cooked for the breakfast ministry once, or even just every once and a while, I probably would not have been able to see this amazing blessing - this miracle in a way.
It's only because I'm there every week to see the different numbers, and the same food, and the way God provides every time.
Maybe that's a big part of ministry and seeing God's work.
Being consistent and seeing his blessings over time
Every sunday, my church provides breakfast for anyone that will come to a small testimonial service between the large services. The number of people we serve changes every week, but there is always just enough food for everyone.
It doesn't matter if we are serving 30 or 60, everyone always gets a full plate and there are always seconds.
Mind you, we start cooking before the people get there and often don't know the end number till we are ready to serve up plates. We serve the same thing every sunday, and make the same amount.
But every sunday, God is good. And he cares for everyone who comes in the morning to fill their stomachs. In fact, this is usually the only actual meal I get on Sundays.
This is one of my favorite ministries,
and it always reminds me of Jesus feeding his people with whatever was given him.
We use what we can, and we all eat our fill.
You know, If I just cooked for the breakfast ministry once, or even just every once and a while, I probably would not have been able to see this amazing blessing - this miracle in a way.
It's only because I'm there every week to see the different numbers, and the same food, and the way God provides every time.
Maybe that's a big part of ministry and seeing God's work.
Being consistent and seeing his blessings over time
Saturday, January 27, 2007
it's not the end of the world
I'm not excited, God.
I thought my classes were going to be Awesome this semester!! I don't mind the work if I like the class, but I really have no motivation to try!
First semester I had such a good perspective - such an enjoyment of learning and being in college.
Lord, help to see the importance of the classes I'm in right now.
Help me to realize that these are important steps to work through - that they are where I need to be right now.
I want to do well.
I don't want to let myself down like I always do.
I did well first semester, but can I keep it up?
I always let myself down. I always lose motivation and because of it I miss out.
My grades in high school definitely could have been better... I was just lazy.
I gave up on flying
I gave up on frisbee
I gave up on work
I gave up on friends
why do I always give up
I have all these dreams. All these ideas of how to make things better, how to help someone, how to do something big!
but then I don't follow through
I never follow through.
why am I a failure, God?
Why can't I just do something right? Why can't I do anything at all?
I realize that not being aware of my gifts and talents is not being aware of your handiwork, of your creation, but It's just hard to see what traits I have that are really beneficial to the world.
Compassion - do I really have that? Sure, I can feel for people, I can cry with them, I can feel their pain. But if I can't follow through on anything, if I can't do anything for them, then what's the point?
God, I can't see my worth.
I found out today that one of my friends referred to me as the most influential person to her last semester.
She said that I always had something good to say and had good advice and that I listened to her.
I love her so much, and she has done so much for me too.
If I can accept this, and love her, and know that she loves me, then how can I still say that I don't see my worth?
maybe it's because I can always find someone who is better. smarter, more passionate, more active, more reliable, better liked by others and even more beautiful than me.
I'm always comparing myself to others.
always rating myself against them and always belittling myself.
I rely too much on the encouragement and affirmation from others.
the times I've felt best about myself were the times I was surrounded by people that showed their love to me. Camp was big on this. and when i had a significant other - well, there was affirmation all the time! To have someone choose to spend their time, money, and emotions on you and no one else? it makes you feel good.
but when their isn't someone like that... it gets a little harder.
especially when you are alone and dwelling on these silly things
like I am now
dangit
why can't i just love myself?
I thought my classes were going to be Awesome this semester!! I don't mind the work if I like the class, but I really have no motivation to try!
First semester I had such a good perspective - such an enjoyment of learning and being in college.
Lord, help to see the importance of the classes I'm in right now.
Help me to realize that these are important steps to work through - that they are where I need to be right now.
I want to do well.
I don't want to let myself down like I always do.
I did well first semester, but can I keep it up?
I always let myself down. I always lose motivation and because of it I miss out.
My grades in high school definitely could have been better... I was just lazy.
I gave up on flying
I gave up on frisbee
I gave up on work
I gave up on friends
why do I always give up
I have all these dreams. All these ideas of how to make things better, how to help someone, how to do something big!
but then I don't follow through
I never follow through.
why am I a failure, God?
Why can't I just do something right? Why can't I do anything at all?
I realize that not being aware of my gifts and talents is not being aware of your handiwork, of your creation, but It's just hard to see what traits I have that are really beneficial to the world.
Compassion - do I really have that? Sure, I can feel for people, I can cry with them, I can feel their pain. But if I can't follow through on anything, if I can't do anything for them, then what's the point?
God, I can't see my worth.
I found out today that one of my friends referred to me as the most influential person to her last semester.
She said that I always had something good to say and had good advice and that I listened to her.
I love her so much, and she has done so much for me too.
If I can accept this, and love her, and know that she loves me, then how can I still say that I don't see my worth?
maybe it's because I can always find someone who is better. smarter, more passionate, more active, more reliable, better liked by others and even more beautiful than me.
I'm always comparing myself to others.
always rating myself against them and always belittling myself.
I rely too much on the encouragement and affirmation from others.
the times I've felt best about myself were the times I was surrounded by people that showed their love to me. Camp was big on this. and when i had a significant other - well, there was affirmation all the time! To have someone choose to spend their time, money, and emotions on you and no one else? it makes you feel good.
but when their isn't someone like that... it gets a little harder.
especially when you are alone and dwelling on these silly things
like I am now
dangit
why can't i just love myself?
Thursday, January 25, 2007
new ground
Lord,
I hate it when I don't feel in control.
I hate when things are in the air,
pending,
tbd,
unknown.
I hate not being able to address everything on my mind immediatly and all at once.
I hate when I can't talk through my feelings because I know they are fleeting and would cause more harm and confusion than good.
but then, there are times where I am in control where I didn't expect to be - and that's scary.
when I know I should be breaking down, crying... but i'm not.
I'm calm, reserved - in control.
and then the fear comes in losing it.
I don't want to lose my composure, so I force over-composure.
I never cried when my grandmother passed away.
I should have cried, but you blessed me with composure when i asked... and then I never let go of that.
Is this really me? Have I begun to reach a new level? a new level of emotional control?
Or am I fooling myself. have a found a perverse way to conceal my pain and now I never want to let it out.
I've gotten a taste of strength and now I never want to look weak again.
but I'm a feeler. always have been.
I hurt when I see other people hurt.
cry when others cry
but am I keeping myself from crying on my own? crying for myself?
but I don't want to lose control.
God,
i've always fallen short, because I've never fully trusted you.
I desire control because I don't know how to trust.
There are few people I trust
I've always been an open book - ready to talk about myself always. in fact, it's one of my favorite things to talk about.
yea, guilty pleasure - talking about myself.
but I don't have to trust people to do that.
my actions are what I conceal - or try to conceal
the little annoying habits I try so hard to hide
crying for myself - rather than for others
even expressing devotion and commitment
commitment.
I want it - I do.
But it's scary.
problem is, loneliness has been my nightly companion lately.
an overwhelming shadow of nothing.
that's another thing, God.
i'm not content with your presence anymore. I don't know how to be.
I've lost the vision of you as my protector, my lover, my companion.
I keep you at arms length. acknowledging your presence, but not letting you come near.
I'm afraid of you.
I think that's what it comes down to - fear. Fear of letting you have the controls. Fear of where you will take me. Fear of what I will have to do, what I will have to endure.
somewhere I know that with you I can experience a life more glorious and exciting and love-filled than I can imagine.
but i still hold back
I say no.
again and again
"No, not this time. please, just not this time"
"what? no way! you couldn't possibly be serious"
"this way is better, it must be"
"please just leave me be!"
but, even though I hold you at arms length, you stay there.
you don't turn away.
for some reason, you stick around
I don't know why...
you love me?
I don't get that.
I just don't
what the hell happened! I used to be so sure of you. I used to be 'filled'. whatever that means.
I used to be on fire
but I seem to be burnt out
i have no zest for life
no desire to deal with any of this anymore
i hate this loneliness... but i still reject your offer to comfort me.
i seem to believe that human comfort is better. that human love is more true and rewarding.
I seem to believe that the answer to all my problems would be the loving touch of a man.
but it can only end in pain. and guilt. and more loneliness.
i don't know where i'm going anymore
i don't know what to do
I hate it when I don't feel in control.
I hate when things are in the air,
pending,
tbd,
unknown.
I hate not being able to address everything on my mind immediatly and all at once.
I hate when I can't talk through my feelings because I know they are fleeting and would cause more harm and confusion than good.
but then, there are times where I am in control where I didn't expect to be - and that's scary.
when I know I should be breaking down, crying... but i'm not.
I'm calm, reserved - in control.
and then the fear comes in losing it.
I don't want to lose my composure, so I force over-composure.
I never cried when my grandmother passed away.
I should have cried, but you blessed me with composure when i asked... and then I never let go of that.
Is this really me? Have I begun to reach a new level? a new level of emotional control?
Or am I fooling myself. have a found a perverse way to conceal my pain and now I never want to let it out.
I've gotten a taste of strength and now I never want to look weak again.
but I'm a feeler. always have been.
I hurt when I see other people hurt.
cry when others cry
but am I keeping myself from crying on my own? crying for myself?
but I don't want to lose control.
God,
i've always fallen short, because I've never fully trusted you.
I desire control because I don't know how to trust.
There are few people I trust
I've always been an open book - ready to talk about myself always. in fact, it's one of my favorite things to talk about.
yea, guilty pleasure - talking about myself.
but I don't have to trust people to do that.
my actions are what I conceal - or try to conceal
the little annoying habits I try so hard to hide
crying for myself - rather than for others
even expressing devotion and commitment
commitment.
I want it - I do.
But it's scary.
problem is, loneliness has been my nightly companion lately.
an overwhelming shadow of nothing.
that's another thing, God.
i'm not content with your presence anymore. I don't know how to be.
I've lost the vision of you as my protector, my lover, my companion.
I keep you at arms length. acknowledging your presence, but not letting you come near.
I'm afraid of you.
I think that's what it comes down to - fear. Fear of letting you have the controls. Fear of where you will take me. Fear of what I will have to do, what I will have to endure.
somewhere I know that with you I can experience a life more glorious and exciting and love-filled than I can imagine.
but i still hold back
I say no.
again and again
"No, not this time. please, just not this time"
"what? no way! you couldn't possibly be serious"
"this way is better, it must be"
"please just leave me be!"
but, even though I hold you at arms length, you stay there.
you don't turn away.
for some reason, you stick around
I don't know why...
you love me?
I don't get that.
I just don't
what the hell happened! I used to be so sure of you. I used to be 'filled'. whatever that means.
I used to be on fire
but I seem to be burnt out
i have no zest for life
no desire to deal with any of this anymore
i hate this loneliness... but i still reject your offer to comfort me.
i seem to believe that human comfort is better. that human love is more true and rewarding.
I seem to believe that the answer to all my problems would be the loving touch of a man.
but it can only end in pain. and guilt. and more loneliness.
i don't know where i'm going anymore
i don't know what to do
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)