i have mischievous friends

homecoming court


o dear

baahhhh

not looking forward to the drive alone again. it's just boring - and I've spent more time in the car this week than I have outside. driving me just a wee bit crazy.

But chicago means friends, friends that I've been apart from for way too long.
It doesn't matter how much I loved this summer and the people I met. there is just something about being with someone that knows you a little better, a little deeper - someone you have a past with. just something about it that's soothing.

motivation = non-existent

I am officially capitalizing on senioritis.

I really do love learning, and taking awesome classes is a great way to do that...

but I'm tired.

All I want to do is play games, drink long-islands, read what I want, go on adventures, etc. etc. etc.

recovery

I am in recovery - and recovery is beautiful :)

recovery consists of:

baseball games,
sushi,
lots of sushi,
a cute little dog named lucy,
wine & cigars,
a cowgirl hat,
family & friends,
$30 worth of wendell berry and aristotle,
hiking all day & sleeping all night,

and there's still more to come

awful awful night.

claiming peace

so, I took my 'day of silence', which wasn't necessarily that silent.
I booked a room at the cenacle in lincoln park for a day, read a book that was on the table when I got there, met the sweet sister rose, ate a fantastic lunch, and came to a decision.

I'm going to have a calm and trusting heart.

This is the first time that I've felt the peace of God and not been afraid to lose it. I'm not just being randomly blessed with peace, I'm claiming the peace that is always and has always been.

I don't feel like this has been a huge transformation in my life, or a huge stepping stone. It probably is, but it all feels very subtle and natural.

It seems so simple. claiming peace. I WILL have a calm and trusting heart.

desperate

I'm desperate for a day away - away from everything.

I've been looking forward to the full-day silent retreat all semester. It was going to be this Saturday. Got an email this morning saying it was cancelled because only 2 people signed up.

Frankly, I wanted to cry. But I had no energy to - let's just say today was a busy day. It's been a busy semester, and the next few weeks are going to be even worse. I had been setting aside this day and counting on it, and then suddenly that all vanished.

Well, I'm still going to take my day of silence - and perhaps going alone will make it even better. but the shake up made me realize how desperate I've been for this day.

I keep wanting to say that I can't wait for the semester to be over... but really I fear coming upon the next week and I'm too scared to dream of the time after... I'm not going to let his happen next year. This is my last semester of being over-committed.

i hope

when I was born my parents were living on the 3rd floor of a large house with several other people from church. The owner of the house had a big black lab. don't ask me how I remember this (perhaps it's only a figment of my imagination), but when I was two or three I remember sometimes curling up in the dog's bed with him by the radiator. It was safe there. that memory makes me feel safe.

memories to come

sorry mom- life has been a bit interesting and I'm a bit behind. no worries - i'll be catching you up soon!

8 - Using her gifts

I've already mentioned that my mom is a professional violinist. Not only is this my mother's profession - it is her ministry. Mom uses her musical gifts to bless the people around her. I mentioned before that my mom is quite the socialite. Well, as she gets to know people she learns their birthdays - and on their birthdays she will surprise them at their workplace and play 'Happy Birthday' for them on the violin. It's quite a sight. My mom has played for people in the local grocery store, the local library, the mechanic, the hardware store, etc. etc. If she knows it's your birthday she will show up and play.

A particularly moving story is when my mom went to the hospital to play for a friend during her chemo treatments for breast cancer. In times of trauma and fear, mom is there to play the soothing sounds that she has dedicated her life to perfecting. Mom plays for weddings and for funerals - both professionally but also for friends. I even got to play in a wedding with her once. It was her and I and my sisters and two of my friends. We played fiddle tunes for the barn-dance style wedding and mom had fun playing with kids for a change. Mom has had grown men approach her and admit that her playing moved them to tears. I can tell you she's certainly moved my father to tears more than once with her music.

My mom knows what she does best, and she isn't afraid to use that to be a part of people's most special and intimate and vulnerable moments. I only hope that I can discover and hone my gifts as mom has so that I can serve others as she has always done and continues to do.

Mom - The Socialite

My mom knows everyone in the neighborhood. It's interesting because she always claims that she didn't have friends as a kid (she spent all her free time practicing!). She has plenty of friends now though! She meets people in the most random ways, too. She is not afraid to ask questions or interact with people - so she will be in line at the grocery store and ask the cashier about a ring on their finger or their hair or something they just said to their co-worker. She talks to the butcher about his kids and to the old man who takes walks by our house about flowers. If my mom ever sees someone she knows outside she will scurry out to greet them. I love it. I hope that one day I will be a socialite like my mom. She's not afraid to ask strangers the questions they probably really want to be asked. She notices people and shows that she is interested in them and they respond so well! This is probably one of my favorite things about my mother.

Memory 6 - Arthur

In addition to watching british films with us, there was another show my mom would watch. Yep, Arthur the aardvark. My mom loves that show (as do all her kids) so it was great to sit down for a half hour after school and watch with her. In fact, if the tv happens to be on (which is a rarity) and arthur is playing she will STILL sit down and watch it.

My mother taught us to watch quality shows - Arthur and British comedy - yep!

Number 5 - british comedy

Yes, I missed a day but I will be posting two today so never fear!

My mother blames her 'crude humor' on british comedy (which she loves). We grew up watching a lot of british comedy (and drama). Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Mr. Bean, Pride & Prejudice (5hr BBC version of course) and all other jane austin ones, keeping up appearances, are you being served?, etc. etc.
Our local library actually has a vast collection of british film - and I am convinced that my mother had something to do with this:)

memory 4

First - I was told I must make a correction to my last post. It wasn't tissue box violin - it was a margarine box... I guess it would be pretty funny to try and fit a tissue box under your chin :)

next memory - crude jokes

My mother is amused by many things - especially if they have crude connotations.
For instance, I have a very vivid memory of my mom and all us girls riding in the Van. We have a street in town called Butler Ave.
I don't know how the joke got started, but one day we all started coming up with variations to the name and making up songs about it...I don't think i need to explain more, but we could not stop laughing. it was all Butt this and Butt that... a mother laughing with her daughters - I love it.

3 - tissue box violin

My mom is a professional violinist - I know, awesome right? Anyhow, when we were really young my mom started each of us on the violin. She wouldn't give us a real one right off the bat, though. She made us tissue box violins, so we could get used to holding it and doing the bow movements and such. To this day she feels it's the only way to start a young kid out. I definitely remember my tissue box violin (even though I was only three or so). She was always so creative... perhaps more creative memories another day.

Memory 2

So, my mother tried her hand at home-schooling when we were really young - all the mothers at the church were doing it, why not her? I have to say, my mom did great for the few years that she did it - but she also knew her strengths and made the decision early on to put us in public school. I still remember some of those afternoons with mom, though. We would practice violin in the morning, and we would work through these workbooks. I loved the math workbook. Anyhow, there were certain things that my mom would stress. It was very important to her that we hold our pencils correctly. To this day, if I am writing with my pen in my fist, or holding it in the incorrect way, I think of what mom would say if she saw me.
"What are you doing with your pen!" Funny thing is, I'm pretty my sister's and I don't write correctly most of the time. lol. She tried so hard!!

a tribute to my Mother

In 24 days my mother is turning 50. I never know what to get my mom on her birthday (or christmas) because she doesn't like things that 'clutter' her house and she's not big on surprises so she generally just prefers to pick things out herself.
To get the festivities started early, though, I'd like to give a gift to my mother now.

For the next 24 days, I am going to post memories I have of my mother.
It won't clutter her house and theoretically non of it will be a surprise.

So, I start tonight with memory one.


The summer before 4th grade I broke my arm when I was hit by a bike. An ambulance happened to be driving by as the collision occurred. This of course meant that when my mother was fetched from next door she came out to see her daughter on the ground with an ambulance there and a medic examining me. poor mother. anyhow, this is not the part of the story I want to tell today. While I was in the ambulance, the medic gave me a stuffed bear to hold. It was the last one of their current stash. I can't tell you how much comfort it brought me - such a simple thing as having something soft to hold.

A few weeks after the incident, my mother told me to gather up a large bag of my stuffed animals, including the one I had gotten from the ambulance. We took a walk down to the station (it was just down the block back then) and found the people who had driven me to the hospital that day. We gave them the stuffed animals to replenish their stash.

My mother taught me from an early age the importance of sharing what you have. We didn't need all our stuffed animals - but she had seen how much it had meant for me to have that in the ambulance. Returning the toy with a donation of more was a natural response for her and I will never forget her devotion to giving back to the community.

twas a brisk day in chicago

when measuring profit or net gain, there is always a point on the graph where the line starts to fall. The effort and costs reach a point where they begin to outweigh the profit.

I feel like I have crested the mountain, only to realize that I am now slipping down the other side.

My school work is suffering, my relationships are being put on hold, and I feel like I'm slowly wasting away...

problem is - I have absolutely no idea how to change things. There is nothing I can drop - I just have to keep holding on to this scraggly thread.

The only thing that is keeping me going is Spring Break. I'm going home for the whole week and bringing two friends. We are celebrating my mom's 50th, exploring Ambler, Philly, and NYC, and heading out to Eastern to visit some friends.

I just want to be home right now. I don't know why I was so eager to move so far away from my family. Thankfully, my roommates have really made our apartment feel like home. I'm never more at ease than when the four of us are home together talking and cooking and enjoying each other's company.

I just wish I knew how I could take some of the pressure off. I just can't say no to these things that I love being committed to.

bah