Cabin Fever

I'm not sure how much longer I can last

"and the pathetic soul sleeps on cold leather, blinds shut
light-bulbs flaring
stale air swirling from nostril to ceiling to floor to nostril
knees to chest, eyes pinched shut
rock
rock
rock

come my love who warms and soothes
the eyes
the nose
the ruined skin

let me live and let go once again"

magnificent!

I wish I could spend my entire week just watching Planet Earth.

that would be the life....

what is justice?

during a discussion today about economics and ethics and limits, a thought was brought up that really hit me.
I'm not sure what to do with it, either.

The thought was about Justice, and what justice really is vs. how people talk about it.

let me back up a bit and give some background on the conversation. We were discussing
whether consumption does or should reach a limit. Humans have a natural limit of what
they need to be human (we weren't sure what these limits were), but there was a point where
going past the limit meant that your highest point in life (contentment, happiness, purpose), would decline.
we talked about whether or not we should set individual limits on ourselves, or whether there should
be structural limits and such.

The topic of justice was then brought up. the question was asked, "does justice mean helping someone be human, or does it mean enabling someone to consume as much as 'we' do. rising them up to a point where we can all consume and have access to consumption. is that really justice? that's the way it is talked about - though never with those words.

we say people should be able to buy new clothes and have access to good jobs so that they can make money and buy things. the 'good life'. but if the good life, and what it means to be human, is actually outside of consumerism and is only attainable at a certain limit, then shouldn't justice be helping people to attain that limit?

but then, what is that limit. air, shelter, water and food? the ability to raise young?
does education fall in this? and if so, what kind of education?
is it education that will enable someone to develop rationality so that they can make decisions and understand their humanness? or is education meant for being able to participate in a society (knowledge, job, money, economy).

there is more to this... but I can't really grapple it all and type it out.
perhaps you should email me if you want to hear more...

"oh snell, how you mess with my mind!"

and the madness has begun

I've decided that I never want to live alone.

that's all,

cheers

catching up...

Everyday I have a thought about something that I want to post here. Some theory I have, or observation I've made...
and then I finally make it to my computer and all my desire and motivation to write is gone.
so, to make up for lost time, here are snippets of all the things I've wanted to write about lately. None of them are supposed to be related...


it is extremely windy this evening. and last night I had the urge to walk home in the freezing rain (a gracious ride from my father kept that urge at bay)

study table etiquette at the library is like urinal etiquette in a men's bathroom - except during finals week when you just hope you can find one open

I've been noticing lately that the phrase "we are our parents" is true. I'd like to think I'm a pleasant blend of the two.

I think God rewards us for faithfulness, and I also believe that our blessings are not just for ourselves, or our own work. A blessing given to me may be so that I can pass other blessings to others. in other words, I'm not ashamed of what I've been given, and I hope to be a good steward of it all.

I have amazing sisters, and I've realized that I really love being home. even when the fighting is there just as much as it used to be, it's pleasant and familiar in a way.

also on family, I never realized to what great extent we don't put a show on for our immediate family - and to what extent we DO for everyone else. everyone is an actor in their own life

I don't want to drink until I'm 21. I've always had somewhat of this mentality, because of my fathers morals really. But when the opportunities increased, I realized that I didn't have the will power. Then someone other than my father, someone I had a lot of respect for, said they waited - and wanted me to wait. Drinking isn't a big deal, but I want to be able to say I waited till I was legal. I've had a small drink here and there in the past, but not anymore. I have 6 months. hell, if I can wait this one out with all the opportunities present, maybe I can be confident on waiting for sex too! (mostly meant in pun)

I have a grudge problem. enough said

I don't think men realize it, and I don't think most women want to admit it, but women think about sex, too. and sometimes, a lot! we lust, we have fantasies, and when men flaunt their bodies in front of us it drives us crazy! no one can be singled out for blame, though. some girls (a lot of girls) get a high out of making a guy lust a little. it's a sin, don't cause your brother to fall, but like all sins it is desirable.

on that note: the church doesn't know how to talk about sex - and by this I don't just mean the building and the staff that go along with it, I mean the people that make up the body of Christ

I play games with myself to test my will-power. Over the past year I've been improving significantly. I'm proud of myself.

I have a crush... I admit it. I'm allowed. but that's all it is and nothing more

should the focus on the environment be on micro issues or macro issues. I say macro. I mean, of course both - but definitely more macro.

that's all for now...

cheers

Cats - a new perspective

I have never been a cat person

Cats are unpredictable, sneaky, not loving, and just plain mean.
Last night, however, I had to face my prejudices head on.

I was staying overnight at the home of some friends from church, though they were not home themselves.
I slept in the younger girls' room, which also happens to be the room that the cat likes to hang out in.
When a cat gets near me I get really nervous. I don't know what to do, how to pet it, and I get really scared that it's going to lash out and scratch me if I make any wrong move. It was late, however, and it was nuzzling me as I sat up in bed (I was still too nervous at this time to lie down). Slowly, I began to trust that the cat has no intentions of hurting me - she just kept rubbing her face and head against me and arching her back to let me stroke her. eventually I did lie down and she left to go stalk the house. In the middle of the night, I heard her wining at the door (I had shut it) so I got up to let her in. She followed me back to bed and hopped up - but this time I wasn't nervous of how she would react to my actions. It was dark and I couldn't see her, but she always put her head directly into my hand. I trusted her to accept my company, and she trusted me to give it.


This could very well just be one nice cat and all the rest I meet may be as mean as I've always imagined them to be. But I think now I will approach cats differently and at least give them a chance. After all, a cat seems to be less work to take care off - maybe having a cat would actually be quite enjoyable.

this would probably be the appropriate time to turn this into a metaphor for other prejudices... but I figure you all can fill in the blanks yourself.