contrary to my last post...

I'm good. really good. today, even while doing dull work, a burst of joy would run through my body and I'd smile - or laugh to myself. to be honest, I'm not even sure why.

I love these days

feeling... blah

The long dark tea-time of the soul

"In the past the whales had been able to sing to each other across whole oceans, even from one ocean to another because sound travels such huge distances underwater. But now, again because of the way in which sound travels, there is no part of the ocean that is not constantly jangling with the hubbub of ships' motors, through which it is now virtually impossible for the whales to hear each other's songs or messages.

So fucking what, is pretty much the way that people tend to view this problem, and understandably so, thought Dirk. After all, who wants to hear a bunch of fat fish, oh, all right, mammals, burping at each other? But for a moment Dirk had a sense of infinite loss and sadness that somewhere among the frenzy of information noise that daily rattles the lives of men he thought he might have heard a few notes that denoted the movements of gods."

Douglas Adams
The Long dark tea-time of the soul
pg.189-190

i've done it again

It seems I've fallen into another tipsy-turvy season

leading myself astray - knowing that in a short time I will be unavoidably grounded

for now, that's ok (I say this knowing the future me will look back, shake her head, and say "never again, never again" only to once again 'do it again')
but, like I said,
for now, that's ok

I wish I didn't stress so much about money, or about disappointing my family, or letting friends down
but who am I without my worries? I have always been defined by my anxiety, my over-thinking/interpreting, my rambling of situations that just are what they are -

I like to think I'm moving past that, but I'm not so sure I am.
perhaps I'm just changing the way it looks




sometimes I just wish I were 30 already, I can't wait for my 30s

shopping

the least stressful and most rewarding place for me to go shopping is...

my sister's closet.

the last stretch

sitting down to write a paper, I threw on the party shuffle on iTunes...
the first song to come up? Backstreet Boys

nice

Bluebell

once a beautiful riverbank, full of beautiful flowers,
the bluebell now stands alone.
One by one, the others were picked off by passersby or eaten by the deer
But the deer don't care for the bluebell
and no one wants to disturb the very last flower

so she stands alone on the riverbank.
was she not beautiful enough? or tasty enough? she wonders to herself
no, she was more than enough, better than enough,
she was precious, and strong
resilient
and without her, the riverbank would be lost of all beauty

so she must stand alone, and hope that others will be inspired by her beauty,
and bring others to join her

but for now,
she is
a single flower on the riverbank
the bluebell