Anticipation

yea, title says it all.

Reflections: El Shadday

God Almighty
The ONE who makes all things possible.
Forgive me for doubting your absolute power
For doubting your willingness to help me
for doubting that you were really standing at my door, knocking for me
(and that you still are)

In my weakest hour all I need is to call to you.
You can overcome the demons I too often indulge in
You have already overcome them... I just haven't realized this, and have inflicted the continued slavery on myself.

El Shadday, El Shadday,
in this hour you are great and mighty
and I see you in your glory and power

I'm taking your hand tonight, releasing my pride
and letting you fight for me, letting you cover me
tonight I won't leave you on the cold doorstep, but welcome you in

Media Persuasion

It's amazing what a simple movie can do, how it can make you feel.
But, for the most part, life isn't like the movies.

There isn't mood music playing in the background.
Things don't always fall in to place the way you expect them to.
Things don't seem quite as romantic as they looked on the screen
(ok, there are exceptions. there are extremely romantic moments in life - I've even had one or two myself - but they aren't a given and they don't always turn out happily-ever-after)

Sex before marriage looks great on the big screen.
It seems right sometimes.
But are we just fooling ourselves - trying to convince ourselves that it's ok.
That we don't need God to have this truly magical experience.

I know what is right... most of the time.
I admit - I find myself questioning all my learned values - questioning what the church has told me all my life. searching for proof, searching for my own reasons.
And there were times that I didn't find the reasons in time... or I didn't wait to figure it out for myself and just went with the flow. But I’m learning – I think.

before, romantic films were fun. now, they hit home more often than not. little things - certain scenes - certain dynamics.
but that doesn't stop me from watching them.
I guess I have a problem really knowing what's good for me.

discipline.... never really been my thing.
maybe I need to change that.

Over Mocha and Cookies

I got to scratch under the surface of a new friend.

So much more in common than we would have imagined,
not what the other expected.

Honest words - not so hard to say so far.
but have we really gone far?

we will... whether we want to or not - and we do want to. i think

is this one of those relationships?
one of the ones that breaks the mold?
surpassing all expectation and steering its own course?

I hope so.

mommy

Yesterday I stayed in bed because of a severe sore throat.

Last night, I called my mother, knowing she couldn't do anything, but wanting to hear her all the same.
I had been freaking out, thinking about going to the ER cause I felt so awful. Mom calmed me down, though. I'm not sure what it was she said, I think it was just knowing that she willingly woke up in the middle of the night and talked with me as I cried over the phone.

I felt like such a baby, sitting there on my bed crying. I hadn't cried like that in a long time.
turns out it was strep throat. as a friend here put it "strep is a bitch".
Yea, it is.

Things worked out this morning, though.
I got to the hospital just in time to be a walk in at the family practice. The doctor saw me pretty quickly, I got my prescription, and the nurse at my school filled it for me. By 10:20am I was on antibiotics. I slept better than I had last night (when I woke up every hour and had bad dreams).

I'm still feeling lousy, but the doctor said I would feel better tomorrow. In a way I'm really excited for tomorrow. Excited for feeling better. It's a bit more bearable knowing that it will soon end.

It's funny seeing what will break me. I sometimes consider myself to be strong - that in the heat of the moment I could take anything they throw at me. And there I was, crying to my mom over a sore throat. I guess I'm not so strong. Not on my own.

Reflections: El Roi

God, you see me.
Whether I'm alone in the middle of the silent woods, or moving in the midst of a great crowd, you see me.

You see me, and you see my life. You see all that has happened, is happening, and will happen.
You see the tears that fall, and the ones I hold back.
you see the thoughts I am ashamed of.
You see through my emotional instability, and you know that I will over analyze everything
but you stick through it with me, calling me to trust you, and when I don't come immediately you still stay.

You don't forget about me
You don't lose me when I try to hide.

Why are you so faithful when I almost never am?
I don't deserve your attention.

But you are my God who sees me.

getting better

So, this weekend was full, but uplifting.
I've felt okay the last few weeks, but only okay.
But now I'm feeling about good.

Maybe it's that I've been doing my devotions every week.
Maybe it's because I've been encouraged by various people.
Maybe I'm just getting out of a slump.

Maybe I'm not so lonely anymore... just plagued by the 'singleness' demon, who can indeed be defeated.

I'm continuing to meet new people - I like meeting new people.
I like that I know that I can walk into the cafeteria alone and be sure of finding someone I know to sit with.

I like that my first two classes today were cancelled because of the cold.
And I like being able to put my big overstuffed coat to use.

I love making breakfast at church on sundays. It's the highlight of my week.
Children's church was awesome yesterday. I usually feel a little unconfident because I can never really grab the kids attention as well as I wish... but this sunday was different. I got them involved with the lesson. They behaved really well and respected me. And we just had a lot of fun.

Superbowl.... well, not as great as I would have hoped.
I failed...
just failed...
but more on that later.