2 days

Tomorrow i fly to Chicago - then Monday I fly to Ethiopia.

I have everything I need

I'll be packing pretty light - considering most of my checked bag will be housing 4 soccer balls that we are bringing to an orphanage. I figure if I ensure the room for the soccer balls on the way there - I'll have plenty of room for souvenirs on the way back :)

I'm excited
nervous
anxious
thrilled
etc
etc
etc

I almost just want to be back already - I'm so excited for the experience - but my nerves are getting to me and triggering my gag-reflex (usually triggered by over-excitement - no fun!)

oh well.

Ethiopia

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Ethiopia

In less than a month I will be traveling to Ethiopia.

While I was growing up I always thought the ultimate destination was Africa - the ultimate place to go. and now, finally, I'm going. The only things that are reminding me that it's real now are the gross payments I've already had to make. But it's happening.

I'm excited, though potentially a little overwhelmed. I have some applications for scholarships due on the 15th of January, and we won't be arriving back in the states till the 15th (a week into school). And because these applications involve professors at school, I must then complete them before I fly home next friday. This is daunting, considering the 2 papers, 1 take home final, and 1 other final that still lay ahead of me. But it will either get done, or it won't. and life will go on. and I will go to Ethiopia and return. and continue with my classes and my work just as before - but hopefully not just as before.

value battles

“The dissenting disciple refuses to join in the pitched battles over abortion, “family values,” and rights for those who are either straight or gay, recognizing that these battles are pernicious, exaggerated in rhetoric, and reductionistic in their simplified positions, and that they end in denying the humanity, worth, and preciousness of those viewed as the opponents. The dissenting disciple knows that there are legitimate concerns on both sides that must be listened to, respected, confronted, and honored."

David Augsburger
Dissident Discipleship
Pg. 209

An excerpt from my non-electronic journal

Everything was gray in the forest today. Aftermath of the flood. Thin layers of dry mud coat all the underbrush. A stiff press-and-drag on the foliage reveals the true green hue beneath. The air is haunted. quiet. gray. Not the usual load of trash - but lots of glass. There is always lots of glass. Stuck in the mud-the thick mud that still coats the forest floor. We wondered how the animals did in the rising waters. The squirrels probably took cover in the trees. The birds and chipmunks too. But the deer, what happened to the deer? they are still there - we saw several-but did they escape the waters or did they wallow in them the whole time - clenching their jaws to fight off the cold. Perhaps the deer too were coated in grey, dry mud but have since rinsed themselves in the shrinking river. The forest looks different every time we go.

I've been having a lot of personal conversations lately. Deep in the sense of digging deep into my own thoughts and feelings and sharing them - not necessarily deep intellectually. Or deep in the sense that I talked comfortably about things I usually never mention or skirt around.

It's been good, though. Low key, reflective, slightly vulnerable, yet not scary vulnerable because I was always around people I loved and trusted. They were never big-deal-profound-life-transforming talks. Just pillow chat and the like.

..............

as I was writing this my roommate came up behind me and started rubbing my back and chatting again - that's love. talking and healing touch.

wisdom?

I think I'm beginning to learn how to be a better person...
not from a book or a person or a class... but rather from time and experience
(no, I don't claim to be a wise young women - only wiser than I was perhaps)

I am no longer a slave to my emotions (or at least most of the time)
I truly believe that I have something valuable to offer,
and therefore have gained confidence in myself.
I can see benefits in all that I do, in all the classes I take,
and in that I find excitement and energy (even with Chemistry!)
I feel honored to have the friends and relationships that I do,
and I can now know accept that I am not unworthy of their friendship - I have something to contribute,
I am enjoyed

still to learn - or to find out if I have learned:
I am no benefit to the world if I insist on doing everything myself
it is ok to fail, and for something I'm associated with to fail,
if it leaves room for greater improvements.
I must schedule in substantial free time - I must not
use the excuse of "no time to spare" when it comes to other people.
clubs, organizations, events - much of my time is devoted to these things -
but what about time for spontaneous loving

spontaneous love - that's a good love - I like that love

and then comes to mind - patiently acting
not everything I do here will grow to be a resounding success...
perhaps success will have to come after I am long gone - but what
I do for that dream now is still just as important.

act patiently. Don't attempt to make things happen out of fear of failure,
but rather do things out of the hope of possibility

on west coast time...

Being on the east coast, but still on west coast time, means that there are quite a few hours between when everyone goes to bed, and when I get tired. This leaves me with a lot of time to think - and waste time on the internet.

my hopes were that this would mean I'd pull out some sweet, profound meanderings.

apparently that was not to be...

all i have for you is this

this school year is going to Kick My Arse
I'm scared shitless
but I'll survive it
I always do

What I've Been Up To

I've been out here in Washington for 2 weeks now. Before I came I was kicking myself for deciding to take classes during the summer on the other side of the country from my family and friends. First few days here, I still felt the same. Meeting new people was fine, but at that time I didn't WANT to meet new people. I wanted to spend time with those that I loved and cared about already.

A few days in I also came to the realization (not sure why I hadn't realized this before) that I am in SCHOOL. class 7 hrs a day, homework, exams, presentations and papers. Why did I think this would be such a good idea??!!


BUT, my mind has quickly changed. I'm really beginning to love it here. Everyone is super awesome and they have such different stories. It's awesome to be around so many people my age who are passionate about the environment.

The classes I'm taking are Ecological Agriculture & Global Development/Ecological Sustainability.
My Ag class is my favorite so far. I've been learning so much about gardening and farming and all that sort of thing. I'm beginning to think a fire is being lit under my ass.
My Global Development class is alright. I haven't learned much yet, but we've gone to some interesting places and talked about some interesting things.

For perspectives sake - are lodgings are right on the coast of the Puget Sound. the majority of the day is lit - but cold. sunsets of the ocean are incredible. Last night - that was something.
Every day we drive 5 or 10 minutes to 'campus' which is an old game farm. There are several single story buildings, a garden, pheasants, chickens, solar panels, prairie reserve, forests, etc, etc. It's beautiful. We are at school from about 8:30-4:30 or 5 (we get an hour lunch though). Each day there is only one class, so I have each class twice a week. One day a week, the entire group goes on an integrative field trip together.
Evenings and weekends are filled with studying, admiring our beautiful surroundings, and every-so-often a good game of soccer.

Just about 3 more weeks left - and still several exams and projects and papers to kick in the butt. It will get done, though, and hopefully not at the expense of my GPA. :)

goals for the rest of the session:
get out to Orcas Island
go salmon fishing
work on my soccer shkills
see some whales
secure a few more friendships

my mind is kinda a little bit being blown...

Agriculture people. it's the new thing... no joke.

contrary to my last post...

I'm good. really good. today, even while doing dull work, a burst of joy would run through my body and I'd smile - or laugh to myself. to be honest, I'm not even sure why.

I love these days

feeling... blah

The long dark tea-time of the soul

"In the past the whales had been able to sing to each other across whole oceans, even from one ocean to another because sound travels such huge distances underwater. But now, again because of the way in which sound travels, there is no part of the ocean that is not constantly jangling with the hubbub of ships' motors, through which it is now virtually impossible for the whales to hear each other's songs or messages.

So fucking what, is pretty much the way that people tend to view this problem, and understandably so, thought Dirk. After all, who wants to hear a bunch of fat fish, oh, all right, mammals, burping at each other? But for a moment Dirk had a sense of infinite loss and sadness that somewhere among the frenzy of information noise that daily rattles the lives of men he thought he might have heard a few notes that denoted the movements of gods."

Douglas Adams
The Long dark tea-time of the soul
pg.189-190

i've done it again

It seems I've fallen into another tipsy-turvy season

leading myself astray - knowing that in a short time I will be unavoidably grounded

for now, that's ok (I say this knowing the future me will look back, shake her head, and say "never again, never again" only to once again 'do it again')
but, like I said,
for now, that's ok

I wish I didn't stress so much about money, or about disappointing my family, or letting friends down
but who am I without my worries? I have always been defined by my anxiety, my over-thinking/interpreting, my rambling of situations that just are what they are -

I like to think I'm moving past that, but I'm not so sure I am.
perhaps I'm just changing the way it looks




sometimes I just wish I were 30 already, I can't wait for my 30s

shopping

the least stressful and most rewarding place for me to go shopping is...

my sister's closet.

the last stretch

sitting down to write a paper, I threw on the party shuffle on iTunes...
the first song to come up? Backstreet Boys

nice

Bluebell

once a beautiful riverbank, full of beautiful flowers,
the bluebell now stands alone.
One by one, the others were picked off by passersby or eaten by the deer
But the deer don't care for the bluebell
and no one wants to disturb the very last flower

so she stands alone on the riverbank.
was she not beautiful enough? or tasty enough? she wonders to herself
no, she was more than enough, better than enough,
she was precious, and strong
resilient
and without her, the riverbank would be lost of all beauty

so she must stand alone, and hope that others will be inspired by her beauty,
and bring others to join her

but for now,
she is
a single flower on the riverbank
the bluebell

Green week is finally over, I'm relieved.
It was grand

unfortunately I'm having a hard time recovering and doing all the homework shtuff at the same time...

eh, school is over in two weeks, home in 3.

divided we fall, united we stand

today we watched some videos in anatomy about safe sex and STDs.
One video was from the 80s and was asking young people what their impression of abstinence or safe sex was..
anyhow, the end of the clip was of two young boys, probably around 10 years old.
the one boy kept going on about how if you know a girl and you know she doesn't have any disease and you both want to do it then of course you would do it. then he went on to say how you should use a condom and a diaphragm. His last comment, in reference to using both a condom and a diaphragm, was "divided we fall, united we stand"

the class exploded at this point

I was in tears

Divided we fall, united we stand - use a condom AND a diaphragm

content

I'm not so good at being that

I really try, though.
but maybe that's the point - if you are content, you don't have to try to be or do anything different.
so in trying to be content, I am not.

darnit

the tingle

Do you ever watch a movie, and there is that scene that just hits a sensitive spot

you feel a tingle somewhere that is slightly unnerving but also a little thrilling.

I feel it in the pointer finger in my left hand. always right there.

profound, vulnerable, dramatic moments - the finger tells

despite the findings in my last post...

I am falling in love


with trees

and grass

and other more responsive beings

I came to this realization yesterday:

Nature is uncomfortable

so why do I love it so much?

still working on that one....

It's going to be a good weekend.

Cabin Fever

I'm not sure how much longer I can last

"and the pathetic soul sleeps on cold leather, blinds shut
light-bulbs flaring
stale air swirling from nostril to ceiling to floor to nostril
knees to chest, eyes pinched shut
rock
rock
rock

come my love who warms and soothes
the eyes
the nose
the ruined skin

let me live and let go once again"

magnificent!

I wish I could spend my entire week just watching Planet Earth.

that would be the life....

what is justice?

during a discussion today about economics and ethics and limits, a thought was brought up that really hit me.
I'm not sure what to do with it, either.

The thought was about Justice, and what justice really is vs. how people talk about it.

let me back up a bit and give some background on the conversation. We were discussing
whether consumption does or should reach a limit. Humans have a natural limit of what
they need to be human (we weren't sure what these limits were), but there was a point where
going past the limit meant that your highest point in life (contentment, happiness, purpose), would decline.
we talked about whether or not we should set individual limits on ourselves, or whether there should
be structural limits and such.

The topic of justice was then brought up. the question was asked, "does justice mean helping someone be human, or does it mean enabling someone to consume as much as 'we' do. rising them up to a point where we can all consume and have access to consumption. is that really justice? that's the way it is talked about - though never with those words.

we say people should be able to buy new clothes and have access to good jobs so that they can make money and buy things. the 'good life'. but if the good life, and what it means to be human, is actually outside of consumerism and is only attainable at a certain limit, then shouldn't justice be helping people to attain that limit?

but then, what is that limit. air, shelter, water and food? the ability to raise young?
does education fall in this? and if so, what kind of education?
is it education that will enable someone to develop rationality so that they can make decisions and understand their humanness? or is education meant for being able to participate in a society (knowledge, job, money, economy).

there is more to this... but I can't really grapple it all and type it out.
perhaps you should email me if you want to hear more...

"oh snell, how you mess with my mind!"

and the madness has begun

I've decided that I never want to live alone.

that's all,

cheers