ups and downs

had a lovely conversation with my pops today that made all the other shit that happened this morning not matter.

My stress flew out the window for a little while...
it seems to be on its way back... but I enjoyed the few hours of vacation.

EL SOL

Today was beautiful.
It's amazing how a little bit of warmth after a long winter can make you forget about all your stresses and cause you to lay outside not doing a thing except enjoy good company.

Good company...
what is it about some people that draws you to them like a fly to a light
They have a certain energy that is comfortable and inviting and you just want to be around them whenever you can.
I'm not talking about a personal attraction, but just a general joy of being around a person. Some people just have it - some people are that energy.

And then there are people that you personally enjoy being around. Not everyone sees what you see in this person. Maybe they are a good friend, maybe they are a lover, either way, you have seen the hidden energy in that person and learned how to enjoy it on your own.
Is this relationship better than the first?
Is one more special than the other?
I don't know if that is even a fair question to ask.

All I know is that there are certain people in my life that I get a thrill out of being with. Certain friends that I have such an important or unique attachment to that being with them is different than being with anyone else. It's funny, though, because many of these people don't hold as important a position in my life as they used to, and there are many very important people in my life now that don't give me that thrill. This doesn't lessen my love for them in any way - conversing with them is just different, more subdued and pleasant even. More regular and soothing perhaps.

So which are better? neither I suppose. both are necessary, both have places in my life. Both have purposes. Both are good.

sick of society, sick of war

If you haven't already, go see a showing of the Invisible Children. and go to www.invisiblechildren.com

How I felt during and after the showing

physically sick
confused
distraught
angry
helpless
hardened

empty

prayerful
engrossed in conversation - not with people, but with God

Fitting

"Despair is the ultimate development of a pride so great and so stiff-necked that it selects the absolute misery of damnation rather than accept happiness from the hands of God and thereby acknowledge that he is above us and that we are not capable of fulfilling our destiny ourselves."

Thomas Merton

wide open windows

I'm sitting in my parent's new kitchen staring out the 8 windows in front of me.
There aren't any shades - the kitchen isn't finished yet.
It is dark outside, and the lights are on in here, so I can't see a thing - but I know that anyone passing by can see me.

Everything we do here is on show to the neighborhood.
Maybe this is how we should be anyway. Not hiding from the public, not covering up what we consider to be shortcomings or embarrassments. Instead, letting the world see who we are, no shades, no blinds, all the lights on.

Then again - maybe there are parts of our life that we should keep covered up. Bad decisions we have made, choices we regret - or maybe even worse - things we don't regret but think we should. Sins we have taken part in, knowing it was wrong, but enjoying it anyhow. These memories can be good, but do we hide them knowing that they were wrong and not wanting others to do the same. to steep to our level?

But in the end, God sees all and knows all - so what does it matter what man sees or knows. God knows that we sin, and that we take pleasure in sin, and that we will do it again and again. And yet, there is still hope -

What makes a great man, one who sins and lets the world know that he sins?
Or one who sins, but covers himself in shadows so that he seems sinless and good

I suppose in the meantime I will keep my shades pulled down halfway, giving the impression that I'm a so-called 'open book', but hiding my deeper secrets. Secrets that are made known to only a select few.