An excerpt from my non-electronic journal

Everything was gray in the forest today. Aftermath of the flood. Thin layers of dry mud coat all the underbrush. A stiff press-and-drag on the foliage reveals the true green hue beneath. The air is haunted. quiet. gray. Not the usual load of trash - but lots of glass. There is always lots of glass. Stuck in the mud-the thick mud that still coats the forest floor. We wondered how the animals did in the rising waters. The squirrels probably took cover in the trees. The birds and chipmunks too. But the deer, what happened to the deer? they are still there - we saw several-but did they escape the waters or did they wallow in them the whole time - clenching their jaws to fight off the cold. Perhaps the deer too were coated in grey, dry mud but have since rinsed themselves in the shrinking river. The forest looks different every time we go.

I've been having a lot of personal conversations lately. Deep in the sense of digging deep into my own thoughts and feelings and sharing them - not necessarily deep intellectually. Or deep in the sense that I talked comfortably about things I usually never mention or skirt around.

It's been good, though. Low key, reflective, slightly vulnerable, yet not scary vulnerable because I was always around people I loved and trusted. They were never big-deal-profound-life-transforming talks. Just pillow chat and the like.

..............

as I was writing this my roommate came up behind me and started rubbing my back and chatting again - that's love. talking and healing touch.

wisdom?

I think I'm beginning to learn how to be a better person...
not from a book or a person or a class... but rather from time and experience
(no, I don't claim to be a wise young women - only wiser than I was perhaps)

I am no longer a slave to my emotions (or at least most of the time)
I truly believe that I have something valuable to offer,
and therefore have gained confidence in myself.
I can see benefits in all that I do, in all the classes I take,
and in that I find excitement and energy (even with Chemistry!)
I feel honored to have the friends and relationships that I do,
and I can now know accept that I am not unworthy of their friendship - I have something to contribute,
I am enjoyed

still to learn - or to find out if I have learned:
I am no benefit to the world if I insist on doing everything myself
it is ok to fail, and for something I'm associated with to fail,
if it leaves room for greater improvements.
I must schedule in substantial free time - I must not
use the excuse of "no time to spare" when it comes to other people.
clubs, organizations, events - much of my time is devoted to these things -
but what about time for spontaneous loving

spontaneous love - that's a good love - I like that love

and then comes to mind - patiently acting
not everything I do here will grow to be a resounding success...
perhaps success will have to come after I am long gone - but what
I do for that dream now is still just as important.

act patiently. Don't attempt to make things happen out of fear of failure,
but rather do things out of the hope of possibility

on west coast time...

Being on the east coast, but still on west coast time, means that there are quite a few hours between when everyone goes to bed, and when I get tired. This leaves me with a lot of time to think - and waste time on the internet.

my hopes were that this would mean I'd pull out some sweet, profound meanderings.

apparently that was not to be...

all i have for you is this

this school year is going to Kick My Arse
I'm scared shitless
but I'll survive it
I always do

What I've Been Up To

I've been out here in Washington for 2 weeks now. Before I came I was kicking myself for deciding to take classes during the summer on the other side of the country from my family and friends. First few days here, I still felt the same. Meeting new people was fine, but at that time I didn't WANT to meet new people. I wanted to spend time with those that I loved and cared about already.

A few days in I also came to the realization (not sure why I hadn't realized this before) that I am in SCHOOL. class 7 hrs a day, homework, exams, presentations and papers. Why did I think this would be such a good idea??!!


BUT, my mind has quickly changed. I'm really beginning to love it here. Everyone is super awesome and they have such different stories. It's awesome to be around so many people my age who are passionate about the environment.

The classes I'm taking are Ecological Agriculture & Global Development/Ecological Sustainability.
My Ag class is my favorite so far. I've been learning so much about gardening and farming and all that sort of thing. I'm beginning to think a fire is being lit under my ass.
My Global Development class is alright. I haven't learned much yet, but we've gone to some interesting places and talked about some interesting things.

For perspectives sake - are lodgings are right on the coast of the Puget Sound. the majority of the day is lit - but cold. sunsets of the ocean are incredible. Last night - that was something.
Every day we drive 5 or 10 minutes to 'campus' which is an old game farm. There are several single story buildings, a garden, pheasants, chickens, solar panels, prairie reserve, forests, etc, etc. It's beautiful. We are at school from about 8:30-4:30 or 5 (we get an hour lunch though). Each day there is only one class, so I have each class twice a week. One day a week, the entire group goes on an integrative field trip together.
Evenings and weekends are filled with studying, admiring our beautiful surroundings, and every-so-often a good game of soccer.

Just about 3 more weeks left - and still several exams and projects and papers to kick in the butt. It will get done, though, and hopefully not at the expense of my GPA. :)

goals for the rest of the session:
get out to Orcas Island
go salmon fishing
work on my soccer shkills
see some whales
secure a few more friendships

my mind is kinda a little bit being blown...

Agriculture people. it's the new thing... no joke.

contrary to my last post...

I'm good. really good. today, even while doing dull work, a burst of joy would run through my body and I'd smile - or laugh to myself. to be honest, I'm not even sure why.

I love these days